Tails From The Litterbox

No "Tailing" Whats Next

2008-10-23T21:53:00.000-07:00

My plan to take over the former Soviet Union has been halted. I must find another way to get to the Wisconsin Cheese Factory so that I can continue my plot to take over the world.
In the mean time, I will keep my focus on my main chores. Yes, there are naked people to surprise in the shower, fresh laundry to keep warm and ducks to taunt outside.
The ducks, so I hear, fly south for the winter. While there is little hope of making friends with one, I plan on using extensive bribery to learn the art of their ways.
Soon, I will make it to Cuba where I plan to make a deal with Castro in exchange for my knowledge in human brainwashing. Here, I will obtain the weapons and army needed...getting me closer to my dream. Of unlimited cheese!

Bumpy Road

2008-08-18T17:29:00.000-07:00

I have hit another bump in the road.

Apparently there is an ocean between here and the former Soviet Union.

Of couse, I could not have known this because the pet humans shelter me, so.

My next plan is to sneak into the luggage of a human relative from Colorado. Here, I will sneak onto the plane and wait.

Until then, I must try to convince the humans I am worthy of Buffalo Pringles.

Is that lint over there?

Gotta run. My tail's on fire again.

Day 6,953 of the Quest

2008-08-10T20:48:00.000-07:00

Today was a busy day.

First of all, I'm friggin' wasted. The left over laundry soap that fell to the floor this morning did a little more than the usual dose.

It's difficult to do my job when I've over estimated my household cleaner tolerance.

There was more lint on the dryer than usual, so this meant wearing my paws to the bone trying to get it into a pile for the pet humans.

And of course, as soon as I completed my task, I was raped by the chihuahua. Three times.

I think the pet humans are profiting from the horrific animal porn I'm forced to live.

My next task was grueling. I ventured into the bedroom to soften the bed for the humans as they seem to have no idea how to do this.

At this point, I was forced to retire back to the laundry hamper, as there were no crumbs left in the kitchen for me.

Tomorrow, I plan on sneaking out the front door and following the trash man.

He. Is. My. Hero.

Through him, I plan on hitching a ride to the former Soviet Union, where I will assemble my army to take over the Wisconsin cheese factory.

This will be the beginning of my long awaited quest.

Job Description for Cats

2008-07-29T22:14:00.000-07:00

Job Description for Cats...

BATHROOMS - Always accompany guests to the bath room. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit & stare.

DOORS - Do not allow any closed doors ... in any room. To get the door opened, stand on hind legs & hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it's not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half-way in & out & think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS - If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it's as long as a human's bare foot.

HAMPERING - If one of your humans is engaged in any activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering:

When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book --unless you can lie across the book itself.

When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen, and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING - As often as possible, dart quickly & as close as possible in front of the human... especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark & when they first get up in the morning. This will help their co-ordination skills.

BEDTIME - Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

LITTER BOX - When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING - Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you and ... do NOT come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out... the humans will cover you with love & kisses, and you probably will get a treat.

ONE LAST THOUGHT - Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, then turn around and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often.

Diary Excerpts

2008-07-12T17:42:00.000-07:00

A very true e-mail from my pet human...

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:

8:00am: Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30am: A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40am: Walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am: Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm: Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00pm: Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00pm: Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00pm: Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00pm: Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00pm: Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing!
11:00pm: Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:

Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and myself are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into thei r hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

The audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other pr isoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released --and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe....... for now...

CATastrophic Plan - Failure 9,874

2008-06-20T20:31:00.000-07:00

The pet humans have destroyed my intentions to run for the Republican party as a presidential candidate.

I ventured out, pen in whiskers, ready to attack.

But sadly, I did not succeed past the patio of apartment 598.

The male pet human came behind me and snuck me away back into my captivity. He appeared frazzled. Perhaps he discovered my plan.